On Hold...

I think I spent about 4 hours of my life “on hold” this weekend. I don’t know how you feel about being put on hold, but I feel a little left out when I’m put on hold. Are they talking about me behind my back? Are they treating me like a telemarketer hoping I’ll hang up? There are also the physical issues; cramps in the neck, curled fingers and mind-numbing hold music. I find that being put on hold is an all-around miserable affair.

My first experience on hold was when I was trying to buy some fruit trays for a party. I called the store and they asked how they should direct my call. I told the operator I wasn’t sure, but I wanted to order some fruit trays. She told me, very helpfully, “Oh, you need to talk to Produce. I’ll transfer your call. Please hold!” She clicked me on hold and my ears were assaulted with a rock version of Jingle Bells I’d never heard before.

I was on hold for a good 5 minutes when the phone was answered by a man in a hurry: “This-is-produce-how-can-I-help-you?”; “I’d like to order 2 fruit trays, please.”; “You-need-to-talk-to-the-deli-please-hold.” CLICK! Back to the rocking Christmas music... *sigh*

Another mind-numbing 5 minutes floated away and the phone was answered with a single, tentative word: “Hello… ?” I said, “Yes, I’d like to order some fruit trays.”; “Oh, this is receiving, you must be holding for deli?”; “Yes, yes I am!”; “OK, hold on.” CLICK! Music… ARGH!

After 10 minutes a woman answered, “Deli, may I help you?”; “Yes, I’d like to order two fruit trays, please?”; “When would you like those?”; “Thursday morning.”; “Oh, umm… could you hold?” CLICK! I hate that; I didn’t even have the chance to say, “No, I don’t want to hold anymore!”

Five more minutes passed and a different woman answered, “Deli, may I help you?”; “I would like to order some fruit trays for pick-up on Thursday, please.”; “Certainly, I can help you with that.” FINALLY! It only took 25 minutes to do what should have taken 5.

The worst experience, however, was Comcast. I went to pay my bill online like I do every month. I logged in and it told me the software had been updated and I needed to set-up my security questions. After I set-up the security questions, the software took me back to the login screen. I logged in again and it told me the software had been updated and I needed to set-up my security questions. See the trend?

I tried this a few more times just to be sure, but it was true – I was stuck in a software loop. I clicked on the link for on-line help and I was promptly redirected to a chat window that had the following message: “Welcome to Comcast. Your question is important to us; please wait for the next available customer service representative. You are number 47 in the queue.” I waited for about 15 minutes, watching the numbers click down to 35. I figured that at that rate, I had at least another half-hour on cyber-hold.

I clicked out of the window and decided to try the direct approach: I would just call. I dialed the number and followed the prompts:

“Press 1 if you are experiencing a service outage; press 2 for questions about your bill …” I pressed 2.

“Press 1 for cable television, Press 2 for cable internet, Press 3 for Digital Phone service, press 4 to repeat this menu.” I paused; I have all three services combined on one bill and I wanted to pay my bill. What should I press? I paused too long…

“Press 1 for cable television, Press 2 for cable internet, Press 3 for Digital Phone service, press 4 to repeat this menu.” I went for it and pressed 3, since I was using my phone.

“We are currently experiencing system outages in the following zip codes: BLAH BLAH BLAH” What the …? I knew I had pressed the number for billing questions, not system outages! Then the music started. It was interrupted once a minute by the standard “Your call is important to us” message, followed immediately by the long list of zip codes. I played that game for another 15 minutes and then I decided to try a different tact.

I hung up and called in again.

“Press 1 if you are experiencing a service outage; press 2 for questions about your bill …” I pressed 2.

“Press 1 for cable television, Press 2 for cable internet, Press 3 for Digital Phone service, press 4 to repeat this menu.” I knew the phone link didn’t work, so I pressed 2. It was their internet site I was having trouble with.

Back to being on hold… at least this time I wasn’t getting the message about the zip codes experiencing outages. I did get the “Your call is important to us; please continue to hold and a customer service representative will be with you shortly” message every minute, though. I was on hold for 20 minutes this time and then the representative answered the phone.

I explained that I was calling because their new website login had me in a do-loop, and I wanted to pay my bill. The woman said, and I quote, “Oh, then you need to talk to our billing department. A lot of people are having trouble with that today.” Um, yeah. That’s why I told the phone prompt computer I wanted to talk to billing in the first place. Why do they even have that prompt? Then she said, “I’ll transfer you; please hold.” CLICK!

I was on hold for 25 minutes this time. During that time, My husband came home with my lunch and asked what I was doing. I told him and he laughed. He has his own Comcast “on-hold” story that he should put it up on his blog…

Finally a gentleman answered and asked how he could help. I explained the loop his software had me in and he asked me to run through it again. *Sigh* Sure. I can do that. I talked him through what I was doing and he confirmed that, yes, I was stuck in a loop. Then he said, “Could you hold on?” I said, “You know, I have been on hold already for more than 45 minutes waiting to talk to you. I really don’t want to be on hold any more. My patience has worn extremely thin.” He paused, “Well, I promise I’ll be quick.” CLICK. To quote my teenaged daughter: “WHATEVER!”

On his behalf, I will say that he was quick that time. He was back to me in less than a minute. He said, “Are you logged in on a wireless network?” “Yes, I am.” “Well, could you try from a wired network connection?” That was about the dumbest suggestion I’d ever heard. I’m on my home network, like always, in the middle of nowhere. What difference does it make whether there is a wire or air? I said, “No, I can’t. I don’t know where I can find a network cable in my house because I’ve been paying my bill over this wireless network with this laptop and that router for 2 years. Try something else.”

“Um. OK. Could you please hold again?”; “Tom, we’ve been through this already and I’ve told you how I feel about being on hold.”; “Oh, yeah. I was quick last time, remember? I’ll be quick this time, too.”; “OK, we’ll see.” He was gone for about 5 minutes and I was definitely straining to be nice when he came back on the line.

“Tom, I can’t take much more of this.”; “I know, I’m sorry. Could you please give me the password you are using to login?”; “Excuse me?”; “I need to see if the problem is being caused by your network connection so I need to try and login as you from my connection.”; “How about this, Tom: why don’t you give me YOUR login information and I will see if I can login as you from my connection?”

He gave me an answer that I know was BS: “I don’t have Comcast so I don’t have a login.” ARGH! “Fine Tom, I’ll give you my password.” So I gave Tom all of my information and you won’t believe what he discovered when he tried to login… the problem wasn’t my network! “Ma’am, I hate to do this, but I’m going to have to ask you to hold again.”; “Tom, why don’t you conference me in with the person who is helping you work this situation? I mean, maybe I can answer the questions personally and this can go a little faster.”; “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t have conferencing capabilities on my phone.”; “Tom, give me the number – I will conference us all in together.”; “I really can’t give that number out. I promise I’ll be quick.” CLICK *sigh*

This time was 10 minutes. “Ma’am, I’m really sorry. I’ve requested that they send you a PIN number. Would you please check your e-mail and see if it has arrived yet?” I checked. No new e-mail. I told Tom. “Well, the message says they will either e-mail it to you or mail it through the US Postal Service. Since you haven’t gotten it, they must have mailed it to you through the USPS.”; “How about this, Tom; how about I put you on hold until the e-mail comes through?”; “Um; it should have come through already so it must not be coming through e-mail.”; “How about while I have you on hold, you call them back and tell them to e-mail it because you are on hold and need it to go through to get off hold.”; “I can’t do that, ma’am. I don’t have a contact number for them, it’s an automated service. You’ll have to call back when you get the message in the mail.”

“Fine, Tom. Please make a note that I can’t pay my bill until you send me the PIN number.”; “Well, I can transfer you to the automated billing office and they would be happy to take your payment over the phone.”; “Tom, I am done being on hold and listening to computer voices, and quite honestly paying my bill is not that important to me today.”; “Uh… OK. Have a nice - ” And I beat him to the CLICK!